The party isn’t over yet

My theory is: as long as there is another present to be opened, then it’s still your birthday. My brother Thom’s birthday is on the 31st of July, so growing up there was a very definite end to my birthday celebrations. He did his best to arrive on the scene at the very end of July, but still, he was constantly encroaching on my birthday. These days, with Thom safely miles away, I am free to claim the entire month of July for my birthday.

Of course, I share one or two days with Sarah.

After all, I’m not greedy.

pmge's

Timothy, Elizabeth and Mark are obviously also very excited about my birthday.

In all fairness, Sarah was the one who had a whole basket full of presents left to open. The week of camp was busy and wet, wet, wet. Did I already mention how it rained and rained every day but one? I don’t want to complain, but the middle of July is NOT the time it should be raining. Even in western Washington. Aren’t there rules about this sort of thing? Something about rain and birthdays and standards of summer weather? Somehow there wasn’t ever time to open the rest of the birthday presents. No doubt it was because of the rain.

Today we all gathered for one last party celebration. Yes, it was raining. Sarah and I did our best to ignore the lousy weather and concentrate on more important things, like presents and being spoiled rotten.

look at that birthday girl

On Tuesday, the day after her birthday, Sarah told me, “I miss being four.”

When we got home this evening, there was a huge box on the porch addressed to me. More presents? See how a birthday can be stretched out to last and last.

And there are still cards to open on the mantle.

Life is good.

Now if it would just stop raining.

Kathy
Project 365 – Day 202

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Camp Shots

It has been a wonderful week of camp.

biking off

Daniel and David rode their bikes most days. Monday was pretty much the only day of sunshine and dry skies the entire week.

We shared the house with my sister in law, Elizabeth, and her three children. The kids were delighted to have a solid week of cousin time.

timothy and joshua

Timothy and Joshua – as CIT (Counselor In Training) and senior camper – head off for their first day.

Rachel went to camp but Rebecca stayed home and helped me with child care. We had six little ones from ages 2 to 5 (including Sarah). It was certainly a busy week for us and I couldn’t have done it without Rebecca. In fact, she did most of the work, I was just there as a supervisor.

Cousins and friends, Rachel and Rebecca.

Fun crafts, exciting science demonstrations, rowdy games, good Bible stories, lots of songs, creative skits, and much laughter. A very satisfying week.

Kathy
Project 365 – Day (July 16th)

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The Effective Prayer of Righteous Men

Last Monday night, Kathy attended a women’s Bible study at our church. I always like to encourage her to make the most of these kind of opportunities, although it does cut short the time we have together in the evening. As she rushed out the door, I settled down to play my latest favorite computer game, Port Royale 2.

Alas, it was not to be. First Daniel, then Rachel came to my negative attention for various infractions. I spent the bulk of the evening talking with them in turn, rebuking and correcting their foolishness and sin. I was very discouraged by the experience, and I assume that they were as well. It seemed like a classic lose/lose situation, where I lost time and energy and they didn’t gain from my long lecture, but instead our relationship was further strained.

Daniel at the beach

On Monday I helped Rachel to make smoothies for some roofers across the street. She has been so eager to earn money for the camp she hopes to attend in August, and I wanted to help her. We made the blends and constructed a ‘Donations’ box for her to carry, and I sent her off with a brother to guard her. She came back elated with $7.50 in donations, in spite of the earlier visit of the high-priced ice cream truck.

I suggested that on Tuesday she should beat the ice cream vendor out, and recommended that she make the smoothies right after lunch and offer them to the workers in the early afternoon. When I got home from work, I asked her how much she earned from donations, and she told me they hadn’t yet made them. I was non-plused — why hadn’t she followed my recommendation?

I asked her, perhaps a bit more critically than I intended: “Why didn’t you make the blends early, as I suggested?”

Rachel visibly deflated, as I continued to apply my critical skills. “I thought I made that really clear. Don’t you want to earn money for camp?” She didn’t really have an answer, and I never did find out why she didn’t make the smoothies earlier in the day, except that Kathy said they had been busy with school. I misapplied my analytical skills to a situation that didn’t really call for anything except encouragement.

Sarah and her favorite shower
At the cottage on the shores of Lake Michigan, Sarah and her cousin often hogged this outside shower, sometimes for 30 minutes or more.

Sometimes Daniel and Rachel are a little afraid of me. I have a very low tolerance for sin (at least in other people), and I am very likely to notice imperfection. As a programmer, I get paid all day long to find things that are wrong or poorly designed, and fix them. Nobody hires a programmer to come in and tell them what lovely systems they have, or how nicely they are getting the job done! All of my kids are sensitive to my disapproval, to varying degrees … sometimes they avoid me for fear that I will say something critical about their behavior.

At home, there doesn’t seem to be a major need for a programmer. I spent some time reflecting, how would I like it if God mostly paid attention to my failures and faults, and only rarely complimented me or showed me His smile?

On Tuesday evening, I had a chance to pray with our pastor and most of the elders. I asked them to pray for me and for my relationship with Rachel and Daniel, which they very kindly did. On Wednesday morning, I met with my men’s accountability and prayer group, and asked for prayer about the same thing. They advised and prayed for me so thoroughly and sweetly that I came away determined to make a change in the way I relate to my children. As one of them pointed out, perhaps the biggest change needs to be made in the way I relate to my kids.

Daniel flees impending doom
Knowing when to run is an important survival skill.

Thursday night I gathered the three older kids and talked to them about how I want to change. I explained that I plan to give them more responsibility and autonomy in their lives and that they would need to learn to answer to God directly, instead of always going through me. I told them that I was sorry I was so critical, and that I would try to keep my mouth shut, especially about the little things. I shared with them my plan to write complimentary e-mails to them and I told them how proud I was of them. I told them I was going to try not to ‘sweat the small stuff’. It was a very pleasant, cheerful time, and they listened closely, if a bit skeptically.

Rachel survives the waves
Rachel is pretty wise, actually, and knows when to wear a life jacket.

After I sent Daniel up to bed, an uproar began, and I walked to the foot of the stairs to investigate. Using my gentlest, kindest and most reasonable voice, I told Daniel to get back to brushing his teeth and getting into his pajamas, since he was in Rachel’s room and wasn’t obeying the instruction he had received (to go to bed).

Daniel immediately became sulky and resentful, and (after I went upstairs and tried unsuccessfully to reason with him) I gave up and went back down to talk with Kathy. I was very discouraged and shared my frustrations at some considerable length, while Kathy listened sympathetically.

After about five minutes of this, Kathy pointed out that by allowing myself to be discouraged, I was actively cooperating with Satan’s plan, and listening to his lies. Kathy and I amused each other for several minutes by swapping the lies that Satan wanted us to believe:

  • It’ll never work. You can’t change the way you relate to your kids.
  • See? This is why you shouldn’t bother — even when you make a good effort, Daniel doesn’t respond properly.
  • You should just stick with harsh justice. If he turns his back on you and on God the day he turns 18, that’s his problem — your hands will be clean.
  • The prayers of all those elders and other men don’t change anything — just forget about it.
  • God doesn’t have the power to intervene in this situation, or He doesn’t care.
  • The kids will never learn, you’re just wasting your time.
  • Surely you have more important things to do?

About ten minutes later Daniel came down the stairs and apologized for his surly attitude. He had picked out a little wooden submarine that he had made and wrote “To Daddy, from Daniel” on it, with this cool invisible ink pen he has. He gave the boat to me to show he wanted to be ‘right’ with me and was sincere in asking forgiveness.

King of the Tube

I hugged him and accepted the submarine and thanked him for it. I told him I forgave him and that it was hard for me to know what was small and what was not, and which things to overlook, but that I was still committed to keep trying. He went to bed happy and cheerful.

I find myself stunned by the speed of his turnaround, and by the obvious effectiveness (efficaciousness?) of the prayer of these righteous men. It made me wonder, how often have I given up on something just moments before God is bringing about a change?

One of the parenting resources we have used over the years has been Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo’s Growing Kids God’s Way. Foundational to the GKGW philosophy is the idea that in the early years (0-5) parenting is mostly authoritarian, as in, “You do what I say because I say so.” As your children begin to mature (6-11), you begin sharing basic principles (respect for things, respect for others, respect for God) and backing them up with Biblical teaching. This can be summarized: “You do what I say because it is right.” Once your children enter adolescence (12-17), you move to a coaching relationship wherein the child is given more autonomy and allowed to make decisions (and mistakes) under your advice and direction, but without you necessarily standing over them. The metaphor used for this stage is that of a high-school ballgame — as the coach, you are on the sidelines, and it is the child who actually plays the game. You still have access to the child during half-time and in practice sessions, but there is a very real sense in which they are the one playing the game. “You do what is right because of your relationship with God and with me,” is one way to put it. (There is a lot more to the GKGW material, and I may not have summarized it very well, but, hey, that’s one part of it that stuck with me.)

Sarah on the steps

I don’t have a lot of trouble with the authoritarian model, and my spiritual gift as a teacher comes in very handy during the middle years. Moving to the coaching stage is the one that seems very difficult to me, especially if there is any real possibility that my children will make mistakes. I love my sons and daughters dearly, and I don’t want them to experience the consequences of their sin or foolishness. But if I continue to stand over them and force them to do what is right, they’ll miss out on chances to develop moral and spiritual muscles. I want them to be prepared to stand against temptation of all kinds when they are out on their own, and I don’t want to provoke them into rebellion by failing to give them the appropriate autonomy for their age and maturity.

Joshua is taken down by a wave
Nor do I want my children crushed by the surf of life.

This parenting stuff is hard, some times. I’ll let you know if I get it all figured out. :)

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Account Suspended

Today we experienced technical difficulties, such that our web host company suspended our account (and all of our other domains). You may have seen this screen:

This Account Has Been Suspended
Please contact the billing/support department as soon as possible.

They tell me that this was done “because of a large quantity of spam sent to your account”. I’ve heard of suspending accounts of Spammers (those who send spam) but this is the first time I’ve heard of suspending victims of spam.

The long and short of it is that we were persuaded to upgrade to a ‘Virtual Private Server’ which (we hope) will be able to stand up more effectively against the onslaught of spammers.

Please bear with us as we may continue to experience difficulty over the weekend until the account is fully migrated.

I’d post a picture, but the sight of me, grinding and gnashing my teeth for seven hours is probably not safe for work or families with small children. As a programmer, experiencing this kind of problem is particularly painful, as God teaches me more much-needed humility. Arrrghhh!

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A Thousand Generations

This is a post I wrote back in May, that has been simmering in my subconscious. Finally, with Kathy away at camp, it has a chance to see the light of the blogosphere. It is hard to live with a blog-hog, but somehow I manage. :)

*******************************

It is the weekend before Memorial Day, and I am about to celebrate my fifteenth anniversary with my beloved. Hard to believe that we have been married for so long, and yet in some ways I feel as though we have always been husband and wife. We had hoped to spend four or five days alone in a fancy bed-and-breakfast (well, OK, in our own home) devoid of the scampering feet of our five children. My parents had agreed to take the kids from Wednesday evening through Sunday … I had arranged to take both days off from work — what plans we had! Alas, it was not to be.

My Grandma holding Sarah
‘Great’ Grandma with Sarah (June, 2003)

My Grandma’s death on Tuesday changed all that, and instead of snuggling down with my sweetie, I flew to the east coast to attend my grandmother’s funeral. We scurried around finding a rather expensive last-minute airline ticket for me, but a blow was struck for democracy when I arranged an inexpensive rental car and hotel reservation through Hotwire, my favorite source for rental car bargains.

My sister and cousin Kristi
Sister Posie and cousin Kristi, thick as thieves, as always.

One of the defining characteristics of my grandmother was her propensity for bargain-shopping, so it seemed appropriate to get a good deal when attending her funeral. I only wish US Air would have cooperated.

More cousins
Strange to discover that both cousins Kevin and Kurt are in the Telecom business these days, like me. Makes you want to rush out and buy a cellphone, doesn’t it?

I traveled to Baltimore with my parents, and, after crossing into Pennsylvania, we stayed overnight in York. Mom and Dad had a bit of an adventure at their hotel, and so we departed more hurriedly than we had intended, heading for the Harrsiburg area without a single Peppermint Patty to cheer our way. Enjoying a delicious luncheon at my aunt and uncle’s home and meeting up with my siblings and my uncle David’s family, we arrived at the church a good 90 minutes before the funeral.

My beloved Grandma
Grandma was very fond of her great-grandchildren, even scruffy ones.

Less than two weeks ago, I had the sorrowful duty of attending a memorial service for six fallen soldiers from the Stryker Brigade at Fort Lewis, killed in Iraq by an explosive device in the road. One of the soldiers was a friend from our church, who had attended our Small Group Bible Study and our Sunday School class. He had married just five months before being deployed, and our church family spent the last several weeks in deep sorrow, struggling to find ways to console his widow, Emily.

David and Grandma play cars
In the year that Grandma lived with my folks, David used to play cars with her for hours. It isn’t every day your leg can serve as a superhighway.

As I sat in the church before the memorial service, I was struck by the contrast between this death of my grandmother and the deaths of the young soldiers. Although we feel a sense of loss at Grandma’s home-going, it is mixed with gladness, as we celebrate her long and faithful life, and her ‘promotion’ to Heaven and a new body. I couldn’t seem to find a silver lining in the loss of those six young warriors.

Jason's Memorial Service
The final roll call for the six soldiers who died was very poignant, as each soldier’s name was repeated three times without answer. “Sergeant Harkins. Sergeant Jason Harkins. Sergeant Jason R. Harkins!”

  • At 92, my grandmother’s life was lived and her work was finished; at an average age of 23, the soldier’s lives were cut off before much of their promise was even dreamed.
  • Grandma’s eternal destiny in Heaven seems about as certain as you can get, this side of the grave; for several of the young men, their lack of faith in Jesus does not bode well for their fate.
  • Grandma outlived her husband, nearly all of her peers, and two of her daughters; those soldiers were survived by mothers and brothers and (in several cases) wives.
  • Grandma’s death crept upon her slowly and gradually, while the soldiers were cut off in the instant of a sudden treacherous explosion.
  • Grandma’s death was in some sense a relief from pain and decline, while the bitterness of the soldiers deaths still stings sharply.

Cousin Jon Mark and his family
My cousin Jon Mark has the most joyful, infectious laugh of anyone I know. Hard to believe it of a man who looks so respectable in a suit, but Jon Mark is one of the craziest of a crazy bunch.

I was glad that I had taken the opportunity to attend my grandmother’s birthday party in November, 2005; I felt as though I had said “Goodbye” to her then. I hope I’ll always remember her sitting in the sun in Steve and Sue’s driveway, surrounded by generations of her descendants, enthroned in their love, smiling upon us all from the vantage point of 91 years of life.

Grandma's Memorial Display
Grandma’s pictorial display, complete with her fishing hat.

It was good to have a little time to look at the display Steve and others had assembled, commemorating and highlighting some of the events of Grandma’s life. In a side room, Grandma’s body was laid out in her casket so that we could pay our respects to her ‘in person’ as it were. I was prepared for a strong, sorrowful reaction to seeing her body, but my response was actually very matter-of-fact; my heart seemed to know that wasn’t my Grandma – it was only the body in which she lived for a long time, and which had finally been exchanged for a better model.

A Tree of Grandchildren
A Tree of Grandchildren

All three of my Grandma’s surviving children were present, and eleven out of the thirteen grandchildren attended as well, some bringing their entire families. I wish I could have brought my sweet wife and children, but we couldn’t afford it, having recently spent all our frequent-flyer miles (and then some).

Two brothers enjoying a good story
Uncle David always seems to have great stories involving strange hand motions.

The memorial service focused on the difference Grandma’s faith had made over the course of her life; I was particularly touched by letters from some of the six foster children that Grandma had helped to raise, after her older four kids were out of the house. I was challenged with the hope that I might finish as well as my Grandma did, who loved the Lord with all her heart, from the day she trusted Jesus until the day she died.

Jon and Emily
Cousin Jon amazed us all with his tricks with cutlery and witty banter.

The graveside service was brief, and we all returned to the church for a fellowship meal. As friends and acquaintances from Grandma’s church drifted homeward, and the family was left more or less alone, the atmosphere quickly turned festive. Our family doesn’t get many chances to assemble together, and we were eager to catch up on news and retell old jokes. As I circulated from table to table, I was struck by the legacy that my Grandma leaves behind – a whole family that loves Jesus – three surviving sons (two daughters already with Jesus), thirteen grandchildren, 29 great-grandchildren and a great-great-grandson! All of these hearts and souls and more were changed forever because Grandma said ‘Yes’ to the Lord when she was 17 years old, and because she said ‘Yes’ to Grandpa’s proposal of marriage when she was 22. I tremble even now as I think of the long-term ripples from the choices I make so blithely (even insouciantly?) today.

DJ and family
Cousin DJ’s family sure has grown up fast!

Toward the end of the evening, my cousin Kevin pointed out that we (as a whole family) are unlikely to assemble together again, unless we take specific steps to make it happen. We are spread all over the map and we don’t stay in touch as well as we would like. I mentioned this to my Dad, who suggested a family reunion out in Washington once the Retreat Center is built. The idea was well-received, but I think it will still take some pushing to make it happen. A large part of the family is still in Pennsylvania, and airfare isn’t cheap, these days.

Steve and Sue
My uncle Steve and his bride, who faithfully and sacrificially cared for Grandma in these last years of her life.

As we laughed and joked together so naturally, I felt profoundly thankful for the blessing that God has given to me by putting me in this family. It is very good to be reminded that I am rooted in a lineage that has been loving God for at least four or five generations, and that I can count on His love for myself and for my family.

Let the storytelling begin

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. (Deuteronomy 7:9)

Grandpa's Gravestone
Grandpa preceded Grandma in death by 13 years; what fun it must be for him to show her around Heaven!

Only 995 generations to go … I can hardly wait to see what God continues to do in our family, as we say ‘Yes’ to our King!

Family at the Graveside
A small part of the whole family at the graveside service

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