Yearly Archives: 2007

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Marriage, Works for Me Wednesday

WFMW–Love & Respect

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WFMW

Once upon a time … happily ever after.

What happened during the span of those three little dots?

More importantly, HOW do you get your hands on some of that happily ever after fairy dust?

I have no idea.

introducing the bride and groom

The beginning of our happily ever after.

But, as this is a Works for Me Wednesday, I’m here for you all. Let’s talk about marriage.

This past month our church home fellowship group completed a DVD study on Love and Respect. I shared just a bit about it in an earlier post but didn’t thoroughly review the material.

Our church purchased the Small Group DVD set featuring 5 DVDS (the seven hour Love & Respect Conference on DVD) and 10 Small Group Discussion Guides.

This conference is amazing! Drop whatever you are doing and head out to get a copy of the series. Go the website and see if there is a conference coming to your area. Don’t delay! Don’t waste time reading other boring marriage books. Get some friends together and go in one the cost of the dvd set. Beg your church staff to buy it. Hound the library and get funding for the DVDs.

The lessons were challenging, motivating, and insightful. Dr. Eggerichs is a compelling and animated speaker. He has a passion for helping people in their marriage and the unique ability to understand the needs of both women and men. Tim and I would both say that out of all the marriage resources we’ve studied, this course has had the most impact in relating to each other in godliness.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I liked this course just a bit. :)

When we first began the course, we handed this Marriage Questionnaire out to all the couples in our group. We encouraged them to answer as honestly as possible. We didn’t share the responses, they were sealed in an envelope and put aside.

I’ve been working on this blog for several weeks — mainly setting it aside. My plan was to write a Works for Me Wednesday post on 3 ways you can show respect to your husband. Doesn’t that sound great. I’d love to read something like that. In fact, why doesn’t someone else post on marriage and I’ll visit YOUR blog.

Hmmm, that’s the problem. When it comes down to actually writing on this topic, I feel incredibly inadequate and unqualified. No matter how I hard I try and how much I study, I continue to struggle in this area. Nonetheless, my husband is relentless and won’t let me pick another WFMW topic. Either he thinks I have some wisdom to share or he hopes I’ll learn something in the writing. Ha!

It's been a long time since we wore watches

Of course, you can always try to arm wrestle your way into a happy marriage.

The key verse for Eggerichs’ material is found in Ephesians 5:33:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The husband is to love his wife and the wife respect her husband. It’s not a choice. It’s not conditional on merit or worth but by obedience to the Lord. Eggerichs says when people are not fulfilling these commands in their marriage, they step onto the crazy cycle. Husband acts unloving and Wife responds by being disrespectful. Or Wifey Poo acts disrespectful and Darling Husband reacts by being unloving.

Love and Respect – simple, yet powerful words.

Most of the wives in our group had a difficult time understanding how respect could be that important. Not a good sign for the poor husbands. The men would nod vigorously during the DVD while the women would look puzzled and mumble something like, “Really? Respect? Maybe if he was (insert virtue) I could respect him. Mumble. Mumble.”

One of the foundational principles of Love and Respect, is that a wife owes her husband unconditional respect in the same way that a husband owes his wife unconditional love.

I’ve been brainstorming the last few weeks, trying to come up with 3 concrete ways a wife could show respect to her husband. The fact that it’s taking me so long is an indicator of the difficulty of this issue and the challenge we women face.

I finally came up with 3 concrete ideas. God bless you if you’re still here after that “short” intro.

Works for Me Wednesday – Respecting Your Husband

  1. Say “Thank You” — be creative. It doesn’t have to be expressed verbally. Slip a note in his lunch box. Leave a Post-It on the dashboard of his car. Have the children write cards and mail them to his place of business or put them on his favorite chair at home. Give him a special plate for dinner. Include treats in his lunch, something that says “you are special”. For my husband that means cashews and Nutella. Nothing makes him feel loved like some chocolate hazelnut.

    lunch anyone?

    Tim’s lunch bag and back-up lunch box in case one isn’t enough.

    Thank him for sacrificing for the family.
    Thank him for getting up and going off to work.
    Thank him for being a hard worker and provider.
    Thank him for taking out the trash or caring for the automobiles.
    Thank him for helping out with the kids, dishes, lawn work, bills.
    Thank him for doing the disgusting jobs that no one else wants to do (in our house that means overflowing toilets, cleaning up after sick kids and squishing spiders).

    Find an area where you can sincerely thank him, don’t use this as a manipulative tool to thank him for the things he doesn’t do in hopes he will change. Think of something you respect about him (his ambition, discipline, driving skills, fill-in-the-blank) and TELL HIM.

    2. Is it YOUR special day?

  2. Listening Ear or Problem Solver — which one do you want? Identifying this and being clear about it, is a HUGE sign of respect in my marriage. If I can let Tim know before we begin a discussion or conversation that I simply want a listening ear, it impacts our entire day.

    Tim has shared with me repeatedly (and one of these days I’ll actually get it) that he feels disrespected when I share a problem or difficult situation with him and then don’t heed his advice. If I tell him ahead of time that I just need to talk, he is able to set aside his incredible Problem Solving Super Powers and enjoy the conversation.

  3. No Interruptions — this tip is primarily for moms. I know you can multi-task with the best of them. Talk about Super Powers. Believe me, I’m sure, that most of you are able to make dinner, write out a grocery list, talk to your husband and answer questions about homework at the same time.

    I have found, however, that this is an incredible source of frustration for my sweet husband. If at all possible (barring emergencies), try to minimize distractions and interruptions while conversing with your man. Train your children to use the interrupt rule.

    Be honest with yourself, if you know this isn’t going to be a good time for a lengthy conversation — Don’t Start One. The sad fact is, most husbands don’t really want to talk. They are already giving of themselves (their time and energy) and when you turn your attention elsewhere in the middle of a conversation, it sends them the message that their offering is worth nothing to you.

too tired to interrupt

How long before I can interrupt?

Please hear my heart on this subject, I am in a constant battle against my lazy, sinful nature. I long for a godly, passionate marriage but more often I want to put myself first and have things “my way.” I am not an expert. I fail all the time in respecting and honoring my husband.

I’m trying, though, and these are a few areas that bless my husband.

Kathy

Head on over to Rocks in My Dryer for further Works for Me Wednesday links.

Some other Duckabush WFMW Posts

Devotional Books for Little Ones
Homeschooling Faves
TopBlogSites
Laundry Organizer
Giant Whiteboard
Travel Outfits

Join us for our Tuesday Tips for Parenting

Calling Your Child
Creative Use for the Timer
First Time Obedience
Sermon Notes
Thorough Job
Paper Dolls
Walk-Away

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David, Parenting, Parenting Tips, Sarah

Tuesday Tips for Parenting – Walk Away

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And introducing our new Tuesday Tips logo, created just for us by Lisa’s talented daughter, Allison. Thank you, Allison!!

new logo

As a father of five children, I’ve had ample opportunity to encourage my kids in the exercise of self-control. I can’t be everywhere, and my wife (who homeschools all five) is often tired of being ‘in charge’ when I get home from work.

Over the years we discovered that many problems facing parents are the result of letting things get out of hand rather than addressing them early. As we have shared before in other Tuesday Tips we are strong believers in the idea that training (particularly in moments of NON-conflict) is key to effective parenting.

An aggressive driver
“Come closer so I can lick you, Daddy.”

When our kids were little, they all learned that we ‘meant business’ about playing with electrical sockets. We had a carbon monoxide detector in the kitchen that beckoned strongly to little eyes and minds with its intriguing red and green diodes. We found that if a mobile baby or young toddler was within about 4 feet of it, the lure became almost irresistible. One day I spent a frustrating five or ten minutes swatting the hand of my son David, who persisted in touching the detector. Although we were tempted to simply move it, we had decided not to ‘baby proof’ our home, but rather to work on life-proofing our babies themselves.

Then we hit on the happy solution: “Walk away.”

Topknot Girl
Or, in some cases, “Drive Away.”

When our child would head toward the carbon monoxide detector, I would say, “No.” If they approached it closely, I would sharpen my voice, move closer, and repeat: “No, No.” If they reached for it, I would let them touch it, then swat the hand, and then turn them physically 180 degrees away from it, placing them down on the floor at least 5 or 6 feet from the wall. “Walk away,” I would say. We repeated this sequence at least half a dozen times before he came to appreciate the personal benefit of walking away.

Bike riding the easy way
David tries to ‘splain things to Sarah

We realized that if a child could get some distance from the temptation, they could then exercise the self-control necessary to avoid it. This phrase seemed to carry more power than “don’t touch” or a simple “no” because the toddler physically left the presence of the enticing object.

Over time, this strength grew, so that several of my children learned to give electrical sockets (and a variety of other dangerous things) a wide berth. We found that this lesson translates well to avoiding other pitfalls, and the words ‘Walk Away’ have often been an effective protection for our children from sin and harm.

Pushy Sarah
Sarah and David have really benefited from the godly example set by their older siblings.

In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he communicates this awesome promise of God:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. — I Corinthians 10:13

Sarah contemplates a ruler
It is sometimes hard to predict what will tempt little minds.

As I have grown in my love for Jesus, I have found this promise to be unfailingly true — there has never been a time when I called out for help that God has not provided a way for me to resist or escape a temptation. One of the best protections we have against sin is avoiding situations that present strong temptations, just as staying on the safe side of a guard rail can prevent you from falling down a cliff. This skill of avoiding trouble by walking away is true for adults, why not children also?

David Hangs Out
I have been especially impressed with David’s wisdom and self-discipline in setting boundaries to protect himself from temptation.

I first wrote this article as a response on Helium, but I decided to tweak it a little and republish it here.

Tim

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Project 365, Recipes/Food

Some Pie with Your Ice Cream?

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When Tim and I lived in Michigan, nearly 10 years ago, we often celebrated events with my parents over a TCBY frozen yogurt pie. It split in four ways very nicely, I’m a bit embarrassed to recount, and quickly became a favorite treat. Since it was “frozen yogurt,” and everyone knows yogurt is “healthy,” we had no trouble convincing ourselves a quarter of a pie was an acceptable portion size.

rachel's big mouth

Some children think they can eat the ENTIRE pie themselves.

However, it didn’t take my frugal husband long to calculate the cost per forkful and realize TCBY was making a hefty profit on our festivities.

“I can make an ice cream pie as good as any old frozen yogurt stand,” Tim boasted.

Not being ones to stand in the way of ambition and enterprise, we heartily encouraged Tim to head to straight to the store, offering ourselves as willing victims of his culinary creations. Those were mighty fine, if fattening, days and I must say, we’ve never looked back. Tim has become the ice cream pie expert of the family.

Be sure to leave us a comment regarding your favorite ice cream pie ingredients (see last paragraph).

lets make a pie

Breyer’s Fried Ice Cream – delectable!

Today he decided to make two pies, no doubt inspired by the clean pantry and the two pie crusts he discovered on the back shelves.

Ingredients for Two Pies

Oreo Pie Crust
Chocolate Graham Cracker Crust
(Our crew strongly prefers the Oreo crust, but they are occasionally difficult to find. The Keebler chocolate crust offers a more subtle chocolate flavor for those not seeking chocolate overload.)
3/4ths container of ice cream per pie
Chocolate Syrup
Assorted chocolates — Reeses Cups and Andes Mints are both delicious. We have found some chocolates are too hard when used in a frozen pie (M&M’s, Snickers, etc).
Chocolate Magic Shell (this is a new addition to the recipe)
Whip Cream (optional but makes the pies so pretty)
Sprinkles (crucial if you are working with children)

ice cream pie in the making

Let ice cream soften.
Apply thin coat of chocolate syrup to the bottom of the pie crust.
Yum. Begin chocolate overload.
Scoop ice cream into pie shell.
Chop chocolates into small pieces and sprinkle liberally over ice cream.
Drizzle chocolate syrup atop ice cream and candy
Repeat another layer of ice cream.
Finish with some combination of Magic Shell, Reddi-Whip and Sprinkles.
Return to freezer until ready to serve.
Dive in, forks in hand.

sarah

Sarah is ready with the sprinkles.

it's a family affair

How many Duckabush Bloggers does is take to make ice cream pies?

this is goodyum

Joshua cleaned the garage in exchange for the largest slice of pie. Was it worth it, Joshua??

I think we might have some future ice cream pie bakers in the family. It’s important to pass these meaningful skills down through the generations.

Question
If you were making an ice cream pie (or rather, having Tim and the children prepare a pie FOR you) what type of ice cream and candy fillings would you want? Or maybe you’re a caramel fan and would eschew the chocolate syrup altogether. Let us know! We’re always on the look out for new ideas.

Kathy
Project 365 – Day 259

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Selling Out for Chips

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I’ve long felt that a man ought to have certain minimal standards for a Saturday of leisure. One should not enter lightly into a day of rest and relaxation. Here are a few basic principles:

  1. Sleeping in is a must
  2. No booting up the work laptop
  3. Sugared cereals – preferably several bowls, devoured absentmindedly while perusing some easy-reading fiction (I prefer Terry Pratchett novels)
  4. Hours and hours of uninterrupted computer game playing
  5. Children off visiting friends or playing outside contentedly (no fights, injuries, or difficult questions allowed)
  6. Ice cream for a snack or dessert (or both, if your wife isn’t watching closely)
  7. Pancakes for dinner – no skimping on the butter orsyrup.
  8. Absolutely NO HOUSEWORK, period.

If your blood isn’t fizzing from all the sugar, and if you can still focus your eyes after a hard day of gaming, it wasn’t a proper Saturday, I always say.

Sadly, into every man’s life a little hardship doth occasionally fall. In this case, Saturday dawned bright and clear (okay grey and cloudy) with only a single 30 minute computer game playing chip left in my possession. Thirty minutes has never flown by so quickly, and I found myself chipless before noon on a Saturday. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and so I assembled my horde of children and entrusted to them a sacred mission:

“I’m sure I have some more chips somewhere in one of my desk drawers. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate the missing chips.”

We turned the first drawer inside-out but nary a chip was unearthed. Other drawers were searched, but to no avail. After less than a half-hour’s search, we were forced to admit that I was truly (I shudder, even to write it) out of chips.

Ever since the chip-famine of April ’07, we’ve had a special codicil that allows the chip-impoverished to earn emergency chip rations by doing chores around the house. Daniel regularly invokes that rule, and Kathy gets a lot of extra help out of him, happily exploiting his weakness for computer games. Although I’m almost positive I was somehow shorted on the chip payment this week (how could I have spent 3 1/2 hours already!), I couldn’t convince Kathy (keeper of the chips) to extend me any grace. Nor were the children susceptible to bribery or threats. Sadly, I realized that the only way I was going to earn myself a fresh cache of computer chips was to work, or more specifically clean. Some things are almost too painful to write.

Kathy chortled gleefully all morning, cackling even, as the minutes ticked away and my last chip was played.

“Boy, this pantry is REALLY messy. I sure hope someone will have time to clean it today.”

pantry - before

Um, it’s not really that messy, Dear.

It’s never pretty seeing a grown woman act in such an immature manner. She almost seemed to enjoy my suffering and torment.

After putting the desk drawer back together and making a half-hearted attempt to shake one of the children down for a spare chip, I decided to accept the inevitable.

Most of the afternoon was spent emptying, cleaning and organizing the pantry. No doubt Kathy will thank me for my work in de-cluttering and re-categorizing the items in the closet. I found several things that I’m sure she doesn’t need at all and was diligent to get rid of them right away. I moved everything around on the shelves, arranging them in order by UPC code and sell-by-date. It was a delight to see her face when I showed her the New System I devised for the pantry.

pantry - after

Look, there’s a floor in here. I didn’t think you really needed the crock-pot or all those pesky cookie sheets. You don’t mind going out to the garage for baking supplies, do you Beloved?

It’s not often that Kathy is at a loss for words. It just shows how overwhelmed with joy she was.

I completed the job with my usual glacial speed. When I had nearly finished putting everything away, and had collected 3 hours’ worth of computer game playing chips, I was called away on an errand. When Kathy discovered I was graciously allowing her to put the last touches on the pantry and clear off a small amount of mess on the kitchen table, she was beside herself with joy.

table o' mess

Heh, heh, there’s just a little more to do, Sweetie.

But she wasn’t quite so speechless this time. “If you think I’m paying good chips so I can tidy up your half-baked job of ‘cleaning’ the pantry, you’ve been sniffing the 409!” she seethed. She’s really quite a hoot, as those who know her well often comment.

As Saturday comes to a close, I grip my hard-earned chips tightly in sweaty palms, agonizing whether to spend them now in a mad rush, or to hoard them in case I get some time to play, Sunday afternoon.

timer and chips

All ready and set to go.

I’d better be careful, though … Kathy’s been dropping not-so-subtle hints about the garage.

Tim
Project 365 – Day 258

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Events

An Affair with the Paparazzi

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My offspring are spoiled – not by sweets, tv, or toys – no, they are spoiled by media attention. Their lives now revolve around the blogging paparazzi and even a brief hiatus is keenly felt.

“What?” My oldest two children said in shocked tones, “you only took 158 pictures of our day at the fair? Were you even trying?”

I flinched at the disgust and pity written on their faces.

“Mom,” my second oldest son said as he came through to read the blog, “where are the rest of the pictures? There are only two pictures here and one of them isn’t of us at all.”

“Yeah, Mom,” another child piped up, “how come you didn’t post more pictures.”

What was I thinking? Such an important outing and I had the temerity to permit a blog to be posted with only one family picture. Sigh. These children have no sympathy for my need for sleep. I guess the fact that their father was the one who actually authored the post cannot deflect their criticism.

Here you are, dear ones, a blog liberally adorned with pictures. I pity those of you with dial-up. Forgive me. I am at the mercy of my unrelenting, attention starved rascals.

a great beginning

Joshua took us through the wood carving section on our way to the RIDES.

dizzy passes

These insignificant, little red bands allowed us to go on every ride (but two) in the entire fair. Not bad. Definitely worth the money if you’re going to be at the fair for, oh say, almost 11 hours!

ferris wheel

Our very first ride of the day – we had the entire Ferris Wheel all to ourselves. This is where we discovered Joshua does not like heights. Suffice to say, he was not the one taking this picture.

dan and joshua race

Joshua rode the Big Slide at least 6 times. He likes a ride that doesn’t throw you around unnecessarily.

rachel, sarah, eli and david

Rachel and Sarah were a team on the swings with Eli and David right behind them. I was in the seat just ahead of them so I could get this close shot. Don’t even get me started on the woman who decided to nurse her toddler while they were buckled in the swing.

We went on all sorts of rides. Rachel and Daniel were faithful companions to Sarah and David, partnering with them when they needed a buddy. Joshua was patient with the more adventuresome thrill-seekers in the family. We enjoyed seeing many friends throughout the day. I was very sad to discover I am no longer a teenager and can’t quite “handle” the rough, twirling/spinning rides of my youth. Not without some anti-nausea medicine, which Joshua saw and helpfully pointed out to me, on sale at a kiosk on the fairway.

One delight of this year’s fair was the combination of ages, which allowed Rachel and Daniel to enjoy many of the same attractions as David and Sarah.

We won’t mention poor Joshua who, at 5′ 11″, is just a wee bit too tall for SillyVille.

daniel's boat

Of course, some rides were more comfortable than others for the older duo.

At one point, per Sarah’s request, we all hopped aboard a fast moving merry-go-round for a family ride.

daniel and sarahdavidracheltim and joshua

Hopefully that is enough pictures to satisfy those greedy children, although I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them wonders why I didn’t just go ahead and post all 150+ photos. I’m afraid they’ve caught the mind set, “if it doesn’t make to the blog then it didn’t happen.”

For myself, I’ve found it is difficult to be ‘in the moment’ and somehow still capture it on film. That takes multi-tasking to a whole new level.

Kathy

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