Daniel had a difficult time Saturday afternoon. Poor guy! On the heels of his fun birthday sleepover no less. He was unkind to David several times and just generally seemed to be firing off angrily at everyone around him. Well, with every difficult struggle brings a great opportunity to really learn some good lessons.
I’m sure that’s Biblical. There are probably lots of Proverbs dealing with this whole subject. I’m too tired to list them right now. Maybe I’ll have time tomorrow to go back and include them. For now I can sum up: Listen to rebuke, follow the Lord’s commands = wise person. Reject correction, turn away = foolish person (‘stupid’ in some translations).
Thankfully all of this occurred on a Saturday and Tim was home to help parent/train/discipline. I don’t know if he mapped out the course of action for Daniel ahead of time or just made it up on the fly, but Tim certainly set about to do some teaching.
First he had Daniel go off and watch a portion of the Matthew/Visual Bible DVD. The Visual Bible is a word-for-word movie production of the book of Matthew. The only spoken lines in the movie are those of the scriptures. It’s truly a stunning and powerful movie. One of our favorite scenes (can you have a favorite “scene” from the Bible??) is when Jesus teaches about forgiveness in chapter 18. He tells the parable of the unmerciful servant to Peter, acting out the story before him and having Peter play several parts. There is humor as Jesus whispers and points, pretending to be the other servants telling the master what happened. At the end of the parable things grow serious. Peter is thrust into the roll of unforgiving and cold servant and Jesus stands up tall and stern as the master.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
The look on Peter’s face when he hears Jesus say those words is so compelling – part guilt and shame at seeing himself in the roll of the unforgiving person, part confusion and sadness at being sent away from the Lord; all of it wrapped in a slowly growing understanding of the magnitude of sin and God’s forgiveness.
After this visual Bible lesson, Tim sent Daniel outside to rake the grass. Our lawn mower has been cowering in the shed for several weeks. It died after making one pass through our LONG grass so Tim sent out a desperate plea for help. Thankfully (complete answer to prayer) Tim’s folks had a mower Mark and Elizabeth (Tim’s brother and sil) passed on when they moved to Norway. G’pa brought the mower over on Wednesday and Joshua began the Great Mowing Expedition of ’07. Although the mower has a bag, it still dumped huge clumps of grass all up and down the lawn.
All of this to say, the raking job was NOT tiny but neither was it overwhelming. Nothing like a little physical exercise and a good, solid chore to give you time to think things over and keep you grateful for your good life.
Next Tim asked me to let him deal with Daniel. Wow! What does that mean? I don’t want to be on the edge of things, I want to be right there in the heart of the storm. I looked in Tim’s face. He had such a solemn look of resolve and seriousness, I realized he wasn’t being playful or stubborn or angry. He was in full Father Role and wanted me to set aside my emotional, protective, ‘give in too easily’ tendancies. I’m afraid I sometimes hamper Tim’s leadership and fathering. I so easily rise to defend the (perceived) under dog (whoever they may be) that Tim has to almost fight me in order to discipline the children. I decided, this time, to do my best to support him and find a spot to observe from the sidelines.
Flannel buddies–Tim and Daniel 1999
Daniel worked outside for a solid hour and finally finished the raking. Next he and Tim went upstairs for a good, long talk. Again I stayed out of things. Okay, I did sneak up at one point (it just seemed like they were gone for a LONG time) and see if they needed anything. I never said I was good at supporting from a distance. Tim looked serious and Daniel teary eyed.
They finished their conversation and Tim gave Daniel some final advice on being kind to David and making up to him. Daniel went off by himself for a little bit and, literally minutes later, fussed angrily at David. Minutes!!!! Okay, this is not what the discussion and conversation and “heart talk” and discipline was supposed to produce. It was very disheartening!
Daniel and David in 2003. “Don’t push him in, Daniel!”
Tim sent Daniel BACK outside to rake the front yard, Between the two yards there was certainly plenty of grass to rake. The front yard is small and it didn’t take Daniel long to complete his work. He and Tim went off to the gas station to buy some gas for the lawn mower (the yard is only half mowed in the back – goody, more raking chores ahead for disobedient children). Another good talk, I would presume, I don’t know exactly what they discussed. Remember, I’m staying out of this father/son time.
Daniel came home (no more tears) and went right out in the garage to get a game. Off he went upstairs, looking for David and asking him if he would like to play. The rest of the evening was wonderful. Daniel was cheerful. He was full of praise and cheerful compliments for David and his game playing skills. We had a delicious dinner (more praise, this time for the chef). After supper we watched an episode of Bonanza and then ended the night with a game of Puerto Rico.
Hmmmm, the whole process was difficult and emotional. I know the lessons Daniel was supposed to learn, but I wonder a bit at what I should take away from it all. In no way am I implying that the discipline should be left entirely to the father. Tim and I are partners in this journey and we spend much time in discussion, prayer and Bible study as we parent the children. We balance each other in amazing ways. However, I wonder if sometimes my “mother hen”/emotional/protective side rises so strong that I actually prevent Tim from being the spiritual leader in the family.
Tim and Daniel December 2004
Perhaps I need to be willing to step aside more often and trust Tim’s parenting, even if it seems overly stern or just plain different from mine. How many times do we Christian wives say we want our husbands to be the spiritual leaders of the home but don’t leave anything left for them to lead, we’ve already done it all? Lots of prayer and wisdom is really needed in this job as wife and mother.
Daniel and David had ANOTHER interaction this evening where David got hurt. Is it just rough play between boys? Is there a bullying pattern building in Daniel’s life? Is there some resentment of the younger brother spilling out in fighting?
David gets a bear hug from Daniel, December 2004.
It looks like I will have plenty of opportunity to support Tim in our pursuit of Daniel’s heart.
Kathy
Kathy,
Do you think this was all sparked off by the excitement of the birthday celebrations?
All I can say is that Grace (16 on Sunday) was pretty horrible (especially to me, who’d tried so hard to make the weekend special and momorable) all weekend.
I was very upset and then remembered that it is pretty much like this every year. There’s more I could write about this topic {vbg} but just thougth I’d raise it as a possibility.
Dorothy
Parenting is HARD work! Sounds like you guys are a great parenting team!
Wow! What a great dad! Thanks, Kathy, for sharing this story.
One of the hard parts of parenting has to do with how you relate to a child who refuses to use their gifts in a particular situation. Daniel may be the most generous of all my children, and has demonstrated this resoundingly on many occasions. Strangely, some of the times that he is least generous are the times when it seems it would be easiest. If a family member had some kind of large cash windfall, you would expect them to be more generous rather than less — yet when Daniel has a bunch of friends over, he appears to be very unwilling to share them with David. He seems to find ways to exclude David (or to ‘accidentally’ injure him if he doesn’t take the hint). While a certain level of incidental pain is expected whenever boys are being boys, you can almost set your watch by David’s crying when Daniel is feeling resentful toward his brother or is in a bullying mood. They go out to rough-house in the garage, and 45 seconds later, David (who is actually pretty tough) is crying. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
It is times like this that I feel most discouraged about being a parent — when I feel that the simplest lessons and principles aren’t getting through. How do I capture my son’s heart? How can I show him my love for him and persuade him to daily live out his love for his brother and his God? How can I enable him to recognize his sin and bring about a contrite and broken spirit in him?
What produces a contrite spirit in me? Not much, I’m afraid. In order for me to reach the point of contrition, I have to recognize my own sin and I have to also recognize that it was of significant magnitude. Further, I have to care enough about my relationship with God that I feel His hurt over my sin. Finally, I have to care enough about the person I sinned against to communicate my sorrow to them. How can I teach or help my son to process his behavior with that level of self-honesty?
Funny how I often arrive at the conclusion, “I guess I can only pray”, as though prayer is a last resort, rather than the first resort it ought to be.
Kathy,
I love that Matthew DVD, I think it portrays Jesus more like he really is as opposed to the ultra serious melancholy portrayal.
You and Tim are such great parents!
To encourage you, Daniel has shown so many times that he is trying to put David first when he is over here. He has been quick to mend his ways and be kind. He’s going to be a godly man and your hard work will be worth it!!
Dorothy – I agree, I think there was a lot going on in the situation. I’m sure Daniel was tired (he’s been up super late with the boys and then woke up early). No doubt he was “hyped” up on the friend time and crashing down a bit after they left.
I have to be careful, however, or I spend a lot of time giving him excuses for bad behavior rather than trying to deal with the heart of the matter. I don’t know that we have the luxury to sin even if the outward circumstances seem to grant us that permission. I want to teach my children that, although we live in a fallen world and they will ALWAYS battle satan, the world and their own flesh/sin, God still calls us to holiness. It’s a HUGELY difficult thing and I struggle with it myself.
Thanks for the discussion. Interesting that Grace and Daniel were both having birthday weekends (and both were, ahem, a bit lacking in pleasant behavior for part of the time).
Daniel has made great strides in practicing thankfulness. Teaching and training him in this area has been a REAL struggle for my dh as an ungrateful spirit/attitude is a BIG deal to him. As you wrote, there is more I could say on the subject but perhaps I should stop. Ha!
Jen, thank you so much for writing those kind words about Daniel and his very flawed parents.
It is such a blessing to have other people in our children’s lives who can share insights and reflections on their character and choices.
I didn’t know you were a fan of that Matthew DVD. We love it! The portrayal of Jesus is so warm and loving and human (the way he reaches out and hugs and connects with people is so REAL). The first time we saw it, it absolutely resonated with us. We’ve watched it over and over. I certainly have a real fondness in my heart for the book of Matthew because of it.
Regardless of why it happened it sounds like you both handled the situation very well with bible verses and such.
Thanks for the post, Kathy. You and Tim seem like terrific parents and real partners in your parenting.
Brian and I are struggling hugely right now with the Littles. There are so many issues of just basic behavior that we don’t seem to have time to go into the heart of things and the undertanding is not there yet.
It is so wonderful to see Godly parenting at work.
Debbie – I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with the Littles right now (love, love, love the way you call them that). We need to be praying for you. Are you having obedience issues or behavioral/training type ones? Not sure those are different, it’s a little late and I’m having trouble finding the words I want. Ha!
Hang in there. One day (with the Lord) at a time.
I am proud of you Edgrens. And I love you lots and lots. Trusting sweet Tim to parent well is a BIG thing, in my book. I didn’t do that well at all and I’m sorry about that.
Can’t wait to see you guys in JUNE. Love, AK