The garage is thoroughly trashed. No cameras allowed in there.
There are three laundry baskets overflowing with clean clothes in the family room. Do not take a picture.
The kitchen table is covered, and I mean COVERED, with papers and cd’s and books and misc things that need attending. Definitely don’t want a picture of that mess.
My bedroom and all of the children’s bedrooms are, ahem shall we say, cluttered and lived in looking. Pictures are forbidden.
I’m sorry, but I have friends who read this blog who only see my house after the children and I have run around, picking up frantically. They might still think I am a passable housekeeper. As much as I strive for ‘keeping it real’ on the blog and living my life ‘in the light’ in general, there are some times when delusion and ignorance and denial are just grand.
So, if the house is in such a deplorable state, why is it I spent an hour cleaning one drawer this morning? One drawer! There is something twisted in that kind of behavior. Tim calls it the Sock Drawer Phenomenon. You have important, significant things to accomplish but, instead, you put your attentions to carefully rearranging the sock drawer. I’m a faithful subscriber to the Procrastinator’s Club so I often suffer from Sock Drawer Disorder.
Get that camera away from here!!!! These poor socks don’t even have a drawer much less someone who will organize them.
Still, I am proud of that kitchen drawer. We won’t mention all the things that I took out of the drawer that are still scattered all over the kitchen table, awaiting new homes (maybe some time in the witness relocation program). Nope, my lips are sealed.
Several weekends ago I went to a parenting conference given at our church. Before I left I received hands-on instruction in rebuking, repentance and the intensity of parental disapproval. Since I was the one receiving the rebuking, doing the repenting and feeling the disapproval, it was a very powerful lesson indeed.
I had made some repeated comments over the past week that were hurtful to both Joshua and Tim. I hadn’t realized the effect of my joking until Tim brought it to my attention. It turns out my teasing statements had offended Tim and hurt Joshua. All of this came to a head just as I was heading out the door. Of course.
Tim walked me to the car and thoroughly rebuked and chastened me. He was serious and stern but never overtly angry. He didn’t raise his voice or insult me or call me names. He was patient and calm but solemn about my offenses. It was as if he turned the full of his attention to my unkind behavior. I apologized as best I could and left abruptly, without hardly saying goodbye.
As I drove off, I thought of the children. Is this how they feel, I wondered, when Tim and I correct and rebuke them? I felt overwhelming sympathetic for them as I know they have experienced this same type of correction and training. I was surprised at the intensity of my feelings – grief, embarrassment, anger, and shame. The sweetness amidst it all was knowing that Tim and Joshua loved me. They were hurt, yes, but they loved me and would forgive me. I kept thinking of my interactions with the children as Tim and I parent and reprove them. Do they have a solid assurance that, whatever they do, we love them and accept them?
I’ve been mulling this over and thinking about the applications in my parenting. What did I learn?
1) It’s acceptable if the children need time to go off by themselves and think about the incident. I needed to be by myself and be allowed to feel sorry, sad and repentant about my poor choice of words and the fact that I had hurt Joshua and Tim.
On Friday I had a very negative encounter with Daniel. Tim stepped in to help me with the discipline and discussion. After a few minutes of conversation Tim told him it was all right if wanted to go for a little walk and get himself under control. This was exactly what Daniel needed and he came back cheerful and ready to be restored to his younger sibling.
That’s right, Buddy, I’m talking about you.
2) The children need to KNOW with an absolute thorough and deep understanding that Tim and I love them. I was shaken by how I felt after Tim’s rebuke. It was only because I knew completely and utterly that Tim loves me that I was able to move to repentance rather than be paralyzed. If there had been a doubt about his love and affection and general joy in our relationship, I would have been truly crushed. I was unable to stay in the victim (poor me) mode for more than a few minutes because I know Tim corrects me because he loves me and wants me to be an awesome godly woman and mother.
This little girl is certainly well loved.
3) I need to continually build in teaching opportunities when things aren’t strained by sin or conflict. It is painful to know you have wounded another person and been insensitive or unkind. That you have sinned. That you are not perfect and good. One of my children occasionally becomes overwhelmed by their sin and repeated failures. There is a temptation to wallow in self-pity or to incorrectly think you are the only one who ever sins. I must be careful to teach the children that we all fall short of holiness.
We were discussing sin the other day and David and Sarah told me Mommy and Daddy don’t ever sin. They were shocked when I said I did sin (I didn’t want to speak for Tim but I’m pretty sure he’s also a sinner). Sorry to drop that little bomb on them. Look how easy it is to fall off the pedestal. I think an incorrect understanding of this can lead to despair when the child finds himself struggling with temptations and falling into sin. The Bible is fairly clear on this,
The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
Sorry to break it to you, kid, but Mom isn’t perfect. I know, it’s a big surprise.
In all of this, I think the greatest thing the Lord impressed upon my heart is the importance in maintaining a strong relationship with my children, to keep a sweetness in our fellowship. When Tim corrected me, my heart was soft and the rebuke (stern although not harsh) was very upsetting. I did not want to hurt Tim or Joshua. It deeply saddened me to discover I had been unkind to them.
If I let a hardness grow between the children and me, if there is a constant stream of criticism and complaints, then a rebuke, either gentle or stern, is less likely to move the heart. This coldness can be a stumbling block to their repentance and sanctification.
When I am close to the Lord, feasting on His Word, laying my prayers and petitions and thanks before Him, and fellowshipping with other believers, then my heart is quickened by His gentle rebuke. When I am entrenched in sin, hardened to the Holy Spirit, when my life is built upon habits that are contrary to what the Bible teaches, then I cannot hear His quiet voice. I am not easily swayed from the sinful path I am following.
I am deeply convicted to keep my children’s hearts close and tender toward me. It is incredibly important that I help them stay away from sinful habits that threaten to wrap their spirit in an impenetrable wall.
Do I build them up with affection and praise so they know, without any possible doubt, that even when I must rebuke them and correct them that the core of our relationship is love? Do I give them a little bit of time to reflect on their actions and my heart, which desires good for them? Am I careful to connect with them again to gauge their spirit? To see if they are repentant. To see if they wish to change.
Being a parent is so exhausting. It seems to require constant maintenance, training, encouraging, building, correcting, and just plain work.
I think I’m going to check on that sock drawer.
Kathy
Project 365 – Days 221 & 222
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