All posts by tje

Waiting on the Lord

I was excited today to try out my new travel bible, purchased from CBD (Christian Book Distributor) online. It is only a little larger than a package of Pop-Tarts and contains the entire Bible, NIV translation. With a conservative blue leather cover and a metal snap, it fits neatly in my pocket or laptop bag. I had time on the bus to read Psalms 108-110, and to read over Ephesians 1 twice.

One of the things I think about a lot is the length of my commute, and the seeming waste of hours upon hours of my time. Over the weekend, I was whining about this topic to a friend, and I started thinking about how God perceives time and its waste.

First of all, the very concept of waste is, by definition, bound up with a finite perspective. To test this, find any child below the age of 6 and give them a bottle of bubbles (the kind that comes with a bubble-wand and a screw-on top.

Nearly any child will enjoy the bubbles, but at some point, well inside 30 minutes, most children will either accidentally spill or deliberately pour the bubbles out on the ground, totally insensitive to the waste involved. As a grown-up (at least in age), I am frequently irritated by this failure in my children to understand the finite nature of things.

“Now all your bubbles are gone,” I lecture severely. “Why did you pour them on the ground? Why weren’t you more careful? Now yours are all gone and you’ll have to just sit and watch your sister play with her bubbles.” My children are always very impressed with my lectures.

Let’s face it … life is finite. The brown sugar Pop-Tarts I am nibbling will soon be gone. The Diet Coke (breakfast of also-rans) I am sipping will vanish, probably before the Pop-Tarts. This day, whether it is seized, throttled, savored, hoarded, or allowed to trickle through my fingers, will pass away, never to be reclaimed, except in memory or blog journalling.

I must say, I find the loss of six hours a day in commuting to be deeply offensive … I’ve always had a high view of my time, since early childhood. My Mom once assigned me a cleaning chore that I found particularly tedious; I announced to her in no uncertain terms, “I was meant for more than this!”

In the words of the Psalmist:
“You have made my days a mere handbreadth, the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man’s life is but a breath.” –Psalm 39:5

Life is finite. Or is it? Look at the way that God treats the ones He loves:

  • Moses, the leader of Israel, the greatest prophet (with the exception of John the Baptist and, possibly, Elijah) spent 40 years herding sheep on the back side of Midian and another 40 years expiating the rebelliousness of his people and his own temper.
  • David, possibly the greatest king Israel ever knew, spent years in exile and being chased throughout the badlands of Israel by his vindictive predecessor. Even when he finally became king at the age of 30, he spent another 7 years waiting in Hebron for the rest of the country to recognize him.
  • Abraham, God’s chosen friend and founder of His people, spent 99 years as a nomadic herder before God’s promise of a son was redeemed.
  • Noah, the only righteous man on the planet in his day, was assigned to a 100-year-long marine construction project.
  • Jesus, God’s own Son, fully God and fully Man, spent the majority of his time on this earth working as a carpenter (or possibly a carpenter’s assistant). It wasn’t until the last 3 of His 33 years that he began to actively pursue His ministry. Even during that time, he spent most of his time commuting.

The list goes on. God’s view of time is notoriously different from ours — “a day is like a thousand years” and so on. For Him, neither time nor matter are finite — He probably has a different perspective on ‘waste’. I wonder if we, in our fast talking, multi-tasking, hyper-scheduled rush to seize and exploit every moment, fail to accurately discern the mind and purposes of God? Perhaps God’s will for me on this commute is to ‘waste’ this time, learning to wait on Him in a positive, active way. Maybe this travel time is a golden opportunity for me to renew a daily habit of Bible study … indeed, even the drive time can be used constructively in prayer and (with the windows rolled up) singing along with praise songs on the local Christian radio station.

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Thankfulness

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Today is a bright, sunny and potentially warm day, and I have much for which to be thankful. It is probably time to make a list, in no particular order:

  • I am married to the most beautiful, fun, cheerful, kind and interesting woman that I have been able to find on the planet, and she really seems to love me!
  • I have five delightful, godly children, three of whom have already trusted Jesus with their hearts.
  • My oldest son is well on his way to becoming a man of God.
  • My oldest daughter has a passion for truth and righteousness.
  • My middle son is always seeking an opportunity to help.
  • My youngest son patterns kindness to his little sister.
  • My youngest daughter is obedient and loves to laugh.
  • All of my children are healthy, happy, and seem to be developing well.
  • I own a home (well, perhaps 1/4 of a home) in a beautiful, remote mountain valley.
  • I have a new job that provides challenge to my mind.
  • My brain is capable of complex thought and is adept at making sense of a large amount of information.
  • I have a number of good friends.
  • My health is reasonably good.
  • I am able to move and walk and see and hear and taste and feel and (when allergy season is over) smell.
  • I don’t have any significant chronic pain.
  • I have hope — a firm expectation that God will take care of me in this life and that He will raise me up to live with Him forever, after I die.
  • I have the complete Bible, that helps me know how to live in a way that pleases God.
  • I am capable of enjoying beauty, like the Olympic mountains looming over the ferry terminal as I leave Bainbridge.
  • I have good relationships with my parents and my wife’s parents.
  • God loves me. He wants the very best for me.
  • I am being conformed to the personality of Jesus.
  • My wife is willing to stay home and homeschool our children.
  • I have a fresh new haircut.
  • Apart from what I owe on my house, I have hardly any debt.
  • I have the opportunity to begin attending a fun new church.
  • My wife and I have built good communication skills and a strong, healthy marriage.
  • I am able to find much to laugh about in life.
  • I have a car that has not (yet) failed to get me to and from the bus stop.

I could probably go on and on. Strange how easy it is to forget the good things and concentrate on the negative — give me a severe toothache and I’ll tell you that life isn’t worth living.

After I got out of the Army, I foolishly joined the National Guard, under the misguided impression that the State of Virginia would help to pay off some of my student loans. For reasons best known to the State, that financial assistance never materialized — but I was assigned to an artillery unit just outside of Richmond. One weekend in the middle of a Fall semester at William and Mary, I was called out on a field exercise. We spent Friday & Saturday nights out in the woods. Due to poor planning, we were provided with no equipment except our field jackets. It was unseasonably cold that weekend — I spent most of both nights pacing around the forest and shivering. When I got back to the dorms, I wanted nothing but a long, hot shower.

Before I left for the field exercise, I had been deeply worried about several papers and exams I had in the near future. Spending a few nights laying on the cold, damp ground, really brought my life back into perspective. If you have food, clothing, and shelter, you’re well ahead of many and you probably have enough to be happy, if only for a little while.

I think a big part of contentment is thankfulness — I feel much more content just having written this blog entry. :)

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Heavenly Color

Driving along 101 this morning, I was nearly blinded by the glory of the early morning sun, reflected in the waters of the Hood Canal. My soul was touched with wonder in the way the light edges the greens of grass and trees and the mountains with gold. No one else was driving past at that time, and I cast only a fleeting glance toward the mountains — it seems such a shame to let that depth of rich color go unrecorded. And yet God expends such beauty every day in profligate waste. By rights, there should have been bleachers full of people watching that sunrise for an hour or more.

As we pull away from the docks of Bainbridge Island, the hazy bulk of Mount Rainier becomes visible around the end of the coastline, suspended in ghostly majesty at the horizon. How terrible it would be to lose my sight, to no longer enjoy the subtle shadings of greens and blues in the water, sky, and forested shore. Even the works of man, ugly off-white storage tanks and rusty breakwaters cannot mar the stunning beauty of this day.

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I am often frustrated by my inability to capture and store up the scenes my eye can see. I remember camping as a child in Kandersteg, Switzerland, and rising early one morning to take snapshots of the alps. I was bitterly disappointed when my pictures came back from the developer — how bland and colorless they seemed in comparison to the glorious blues and golds I remembered. Although my digital camera performs much better than that ancient children’s camera, I frequently feel dissatisfied with the pictures I take, particularly of distant landscapes.

Our ferry had to slow and turn to avoid a small boat that had plotted an intercept course — finally the boat’s captain realized his peril and swerved to avoid us — a jarring note to the morning. As the Coast Guard patrol boat’s hovering presence reminds, we live under the constant threat of terrorist activity. Thoughts of the attack against the USS Cole casts a sobering pall over my enjoyment of the morning light.

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What would it be like to enjoy the glorious goodness and beauty of God without the ugly intrusion of man’s sin? C.S. Lewis has perhaps described it best, in the final paragraph of The Last Battle:

… but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us, this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

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Blustery Day

Yesterday was hot and sunny, but today is cool and rainy — a cold front seems to be sweeping through the area. Of course, yesterday I wore a long-sleeved shirt and was hot — today (foolishly thinking summer had arrived) I wore a short-sleeved shirt.

We’re actually having a sort of a thunderstorm here — quite unusual for this area. It is nothing compared to the kind of storms found in the Midwest or Southeast, but it is startling to hear thunder and to see the flash of lightning. The ferry is rocking from side to side — not very worrisome on such a large flat boat, but a little uncomfortable. Downstairs, a car alarm is going off — it may have been bumped by another unsecured car.

About two years ago I forgot to engage the emergency break on my car — when the ferry got going, it rolled backward into another vehicle. They called me down and filled out an accident report — fortunately it did no damage and the owner of the other card was unconcerned. I was pretty embarrassed and distraught — it was the same day I found out I was laid off from my job at AT&T Wireless.

A nearby passenger just pointed out a bunch of seagulls vying for scraps in circles above a seal — apparently the seal has just caught a fish or two — I keep seeing the head of the seal break above water as it seems to snap at the gulls — I guess it doesn’t want to share its supper.

I think I could become quite a people-watcher, riding the ferry to work every day. It seems remarkable to me that there can be so many people and yet none of them look even remotely alike. As I sit here, I’m trying to come up with a list of types, based on age, sex, apparel, mode of walking, etc.:

Men

Grizzled with pony-tails
Former military
Technogeeks
Motorcycle junkies
Career managers (tie optional)
Sales dudes
Granola Cyclists
Merchant Marine
Aging preppies
Sports thugs (travel in groups of 3 or less)
Sweatshirted Tradesmen (backwards hat optional)
Day off Dad (with child)
Sports car tourist (leather jacket & sunglasses optional)

Women

College students
Sports Chicks (travel in groups of 4 or more)
White-collar moms (with child)
Sweatshirt commuters
Pantsuited Thirty-Somethings
Subdued Powerdressers
Almost Retired
Shoppers
Seasoned Wallflowers (thermos optional)

There is no hope for it — every time I think I’ve nailed down the categories, another person walks past who doesn’t fit into my groupings. How strange that people occur in so many varieties!

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A New Job

It is always exhilarating to begin a new job. It is also scary, headache-producing and exhausting, but I still enjoy it. It is fun to pit your wits against a new conceptual structure and wrestle it into a matrix of comprehension. It is also fun to display your intellect, character and skills to a new group of people who have not already formed fixed ideas of who you are. Mistakes and soured relationships from prior employment can be left behind, to be replaced by new errors and embarrassments.

I’ve never been a tester before. The formal term is “Quality Assurance” (QA) — the basic idea is to have a group of people who review new and updated systems to ensure that (a) all the new features work as planned, and (b) nothing else has been broken or disabled by the new code. Most people agree that a developer who creates the new functionality is ill-suited to test his own work — and so have been created Quality Assurance groups in nearly every Information Technology organization.

My job is two-fold — to ensure the quality of new systems produced by the groups that I support, and to increase the level of testing automation so that future QA efforts will be more exhaustive and less dependent on manual oversight. Long-term, I hope to build a set of automated testing tools that can be used for regression testing or daily validation.

I was hired as a contractor, for a 90-day term. Implicit in this arrangement is the suggestion that, after the 90 days has elapsed, I may be eligible for conversion to full-time employee. This depends, of course, on my performance and the needs of the company at that time. Ninety days is a good length of time for evaluating someone in my line of work — few people can (or will) conceal or misrepresent their work habits, ability and character for such a sustained period.

The worst part about this job is the commute. It takes me about two hours and 45 minutes to get to work in the morning, and right around three hours to get home — not much time left to enjoy my family, at least on weekdays. I only have to drive for about an hour of each way; I spend the rest of the time riding the bus, ferry, and shuttle van. On the ferry I have about 35 minutes to write on my laptop, as I am doing now.

I’ve been very much blessed over the past four years, working from home and enjoying my family. It was a tremendous gift from God to be allowed that daily, casual presence with my wife and children, even during my working hours. Last night when I got home, my little David and Sarah clung to me and sat on my lap for the first hour or so — even Joshua gave me a long (more than 30 seconds) hug. Kathy says that Joshua misses me the most, which surprises me — I keep expecting him to pull away from us, as he enters pre-adolescence.

It is hard to enjoy a gift for a long time and not feel as though it is an entitlement. I’m sure that many friends and family envied and even resented the privilege that I enjoyed, working from home for so long. Kathy tells me that most of the people, with whom she discusses my new commute, are singularly lacking in sympathy. Perhaps there is a sense in their minds that I had more than my fair share of privilege and it is proper and appropriate for me to experience the way the rest of the working world lives. It is unfortunate, because it cuts Kathy off from being able to receive support in this new (and rather unpleasant) lifestyle.

It must be very hard for Kathy to suddenly bear the full weight of parenting in addition to home-schooling — some nights the kids are already in bed by the time I get home. She is a very strong, cheerful and resilient person, but I’m sure that she feels the strain of suddenly being a “single mom” of five children.

I’m thinking seriously of moving to the city (maybe renting, at first) and making our home in the Duckabush available for lodging use by the Refuge. It would be sad to leave the beauty and comfort of our home in the valley, but I think it is more important for my children to have a Daddy underfoot, than for them to live in the country — cutting my commute down to an hour each way would free up almost four hours a day to be a family. Spending time together as a family is one of the highest values that I have — it seems foolish to allow this commuting situation to continue indefinitely.

It is a strange feeling, to depend on God for my future plans. I am more accustomed to a worldly perspective in which I make plans and try to include God where possible. I feel that at this point in my life, I want God to make the plans and to show me how I am involved. Now I just need to discover what God’s plan is for our family …

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