Category Archives: Parenting

Parenting, Parenting Tips

Live at Peace with Everyone

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A couple of weeks ago, I was reading the Bible at lunch, and I came across Romans 12. “What a great chapter,” I thought to myself. “I ought to memorize this.”

Bible memorization has been on my mind lately, ever since Tom Meyer (a “Wordsower”) recited all of Jonah and Nahum to us at church. He did a nice job, articulating the story of Jonah, especially, with lots of dramatic flair. “I wonder how hard it would be, to do that?” I mused to myself.

When I was a young lad, I had a great memory. One year I memorized more than 600 verses (on sheets of twenty-five at a time) so that I could earn money to attend a Christian camp. It used to be that if I scanned a page of print carefully, I could see a picture of the page in my mind for some hours afterward, and could literally read the words off the page in that memory picture.

This is true no longer. These days, memorization takes substantially more effort, both up-front, and in terms of maintaining the memorized passage.

In a family with five children, there are always relational challenges, and some even among the kids. Thinking particularly about verse 18, which talks about living in peace with one another, I issued a challenge to my older three children: “I’ll pay a dollar a verse for memorizing Romans 12, and a five-dollar bonus to anyone who memorizes it before me.”

Hold on, Buddy!

“I’ll pay a dollar if you’ll slow down, Daddy.”

Rachel and Daniel are eager to go on a youth group retreat (their first since joining the lofty ranks of Middle School), so they jumped on it, burning the ‘midnight oil’, memorizing in their beds. Daniel had the first eight verses down at breakfast the next day, and so I knew I would need to move fast if I was going to be a credible threat.

Joshua disdained the monetary prize (flush as he is with cash from lawn-work) but casually memorized the whole passage in one sitting. He was reciting it happily (and a bit ostentatiously) to himself as he biked off to do some lawn work. Sometimes we think he was accidentally swapped for some other child in the hospital. I can just imagine a set of wealthy and successful parents as they scratch their heads at their slap-dash, irresponsible son. “Maybe he takes after your Uncle Erwin,” confides the Dad to his wife.

Okay, you may take my picture, Mom.

Joshua, try Psalm 119 and get back to us.

Rachel keeps her cards close to her chest, but I think she is nearly done memorizing the passage. Kathy and I were out in the backyard yesterday evening, and my oldest daughter was inside, washing some dishes. “Do not repay anyone evil for evil … ” we heard her shouting, trying to make herself heard over the rush of the water and the clanging of the pots and pans. “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody … ” she bellowed. Apparently Joshua was checking her progress.

Even the little two are picking up on it. “Do not be overcome by evil … but overcome evil with good …” they sing, as they run across the yard.

Where are the brakes on this thing?

It seems nearly every day, someone asks me, “So, Dad, how much do you have memorized?” All the little ears perk up as I clear my throat nervously. “Well, let’s see … Romans 12:1-21.” There is an embarrassed silence, and then another silence after that.

Finally one of them speaks up. “Um, is that all?”

I try to maintain a haughty dignity. “Yep. I’m still getting started. I do know the last verse, though.” I launch into song, accentuating my point with excessive volume: “DO NOT BE OVERCOME BY EVIL … ”

They shake their heads, sadly, fingers in their ears. “You’re not doing very well, Dad.”

Truth be told, I don’t really mind losing the wager. I’m glad to help the kids raise money to go on their retreat, and I’m delighted to incentivize Bible memorization in the lives of my children. I guess what irks me is how easily they leave me in their dust. I try to stall them, insisting that they recite the passage word-perfect. “After all,” I tell them sententiously, “the scripture is worth our best effort, since it is the living Word of God. We dare not corrupt it by sloppy memorization.”

“Do pauses count?” Rachel asked me. “No, but if I have to tell you a word (or correct a wrong word) then that counts as an error,” I told her. Already Daniel is down to five or six minor errors in the whole passage.

Some people might think it inappropriate to pay kids to memorize scripture. One of my favorite pastors was once challenged about this:

“Isn’t it sort of crass,” a woman asked him, “to pay your kids to memorize? Shouldn’t they be motivated out of love for God and respect for the scriptures?”

“Well,” he answered gently, “that’s an interesting question, but let’s look at it pragmatically. My kids know hundreds of verses. How many verses do your kids know?”

This boy knows a lot of verses.

If you’re a grown-up like me, and your head is already full of the things you need to know to work, or to raise your family, then you’ll have to apply some clever technique to overcome your handicap.

I have three strategies that I use:

  • First, I read the passage over several times, trying to fix the picture of the page in my mind, the way that I used to when I was younger. It doesn’t work anymore, but I seem to be unwilling to try my other two strategies until I’ve proven that this one is no longer effective. I think it helps a little. Maybe.
  • When that doesn’t work, I try copying it down, either writing it by hand or typing it. I look at each sentence and then try to type it from memory, going back to check after I’m done. This usually gets me to the point where I have the passage mostly memorized.
  • To get a passage word-perfect, I resort to my third technique. I write the passage on our whiteboard (or as much of it as can fit) and then I recite it repeatedly. Each time I finish reciting, I erase a word or two. Pretty soon, I’m looking at an empty whiteboard and am able to recite the whole chunk of scripture.

How ‘bout you? Do you memorize scripture? How much, and how often? What techniques do you use? Do you pay your kids to memorize, or do they do it for free?

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. -– Romans 12:1-21

Tim

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Daniel, Parenting, Project 366

Memoirs of a Tomato Stake

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I had a couple of long talks Monday with my middle boy, to whom we are applying our “Tomato Staking” parenting technique. It has been nearly four weeks since we started, and his patience is starting to wear thin.

“How much longer will I be Tomato Staked,” he asked, plaintively.

“Does it bother you?” I temporized, trying to keep my tone level while smiling gently at him.

“Yes. I don’t like never being allowed to be alone, and I’m embarrassed not to be allowed to play with my friends unless you or Mom are with me,” Daniel replied.

daniel boy

It has been a long month. We’ve mostly stuck to our guns on Tomato Staking, and we require Daniel to be in the same room or in our direct eyesight, seven days a week (except for when he is asleep or sent on a specific errand). We’ve poured out hours of extra teaching into his ears, and we’ve been very encouraged that some of it seems to have lodged in his heart. By being present in his life nearly all the time, we’ve guarded his conduct from spiraling down out of control, and helped him to significantly improve his relationships with his siblings. We’ve worked to teach him some basic charm, so that he can avoid coming to our negative attention by thoughtless disrespect. I’d like also to think that we’ve shown him the depth of our commitment to him, and that our relentless love is fixed on him in an unwavering way.

One of the pervasive themes of our teaching has been in terms of teaching him to respect God, and (by extension) other people. We’ve invested in the filling of his ‘moral warehouse’ so that he can evaluate situations for their moral content and make choices that reflect a heart that is pleasing to God. We’ve taught him about respect for property, respect for authority, respect for nature, and a host of other values that stem from the value God places on people. Any moral code needs a meta-ethical basis, and we’ve chosen to identify with the moral pattern that God has laid out so clearly in His word, the Bible.

daniel waters the tomatoes

We quickly realized that the first thing we needed to teach Daniel was how to listen. Although I’ve had ample occasion to teach Daniel many times before, I’ve not done a very good job at holding him to a high standard in terms of listening attentively. In the past, his typical response to a ‘lecture’ or any form of verbal correction would include:

  • a slumped body posture
  • scowling face
  • overt yawning
  • gaze vacantly directed out the window
  • body fidgeting
  • hands playing with anything within reach
  • sullen, monosyllabic answers to questions (or no answer at all)
  • a remarkable ability to misunderstand
  • an apparent general unwillingness to think about what I’m saying

As I would correct my son, I often found that my initial mild displeasure with his infraction was soon replaced by a strong sense of resentment over his contempt toward me. My attitude toward him would darken, and my willingness to teach him would soon be exhausted in the face of what seemed to me a profound rejection of my efforts to share my wisdom with him.

driving the golf cart

One day I questioned him about it.

“Do you mean to communicate disrespect for what I’m telling you, by the way you look away and play with anything you can get your hands on?” I tried to keep my tone free of menace and incredulity.

“No.” He still didn’t look me in the eye.

“Do you understand how I might feel, trying to explain things to you, when you give every outward appearance of paying me no attention?”

“Not really.” A bored scowl was still plastered over his face.

“When your face is frowning, and you don’t look at me, and you play with your pencil, and you don’t answer my questions, all those things communicate disrespect to me. I feel as though I’m wasting my time telling you things, because you don’t seem to be listening.”

Eventually I took the time to carefully and individually spell out each component of his body language, and how I interpreted it. I enlisted Kathy’s help to support my assertion, so he could see that the response was general and not something he could easily dismiss, thinking, “Oh, that’s just Dad, picking on me.” As we looked at each of the behaviors in the list above, we realized how much Daniel had unwittingly sabotaged his interaction with us, through his body language, and through our response to the contempt he was broadcasting.

These days, when I correct my son, he works harder to present a respectful posture. He often sits up attentively, and looks me right in the eye. He maintains a neutral or smiling expression on his face, and he (mostly) keeps his arms and legs still. Sometimes he answers my questions with complete sentences, and he works hard to stay engaged in the conversation. If he has to yawn, he has learned (or is learning) to discreetly cover his mouth and to quietly apologize.

smiling away

These simple manners have worked a substantial change in my attitude toward my son. I find my tone is gentler, my face is kindlier, and I’m much more willing to explain abstract concepts, even when he doesn’t understand the first or second time. Daniel is making excellent progress in understanding and embracing the moral principles that I have been teaching him … I’d say he has made about a year’s progress in moral maturity over the past month.

I’m very proud of my middle boy. He is kind, gentle, generous and thoughtful, and can be very selfless when he wants to be. He has a keen sense of justice and an evangelist’s heart toward people who don’t know Jesus. He is funny and loves to laugh – his witty cleverness is a delight to our family. He is talented in math, and has a knack for figuring out how mechanical things work. His sunny disposition helps to endear him to many of the people he knows.

We still have some considerable work ahead of us. Over the years, Kathy and I have explained many moral principles to Joshua and Rachel, but Daniel was (at first) too little to understand. As time passed by, I think that Daniel got into the habit of ‘tuning out’ to our teaching, and we were not alert enough to correct that deficiency. Now we’re making up for lost time, and pouring into him very explicitly the moral values that he needs to identify morally-charged situations and respond in a way that will please God.

grab your ice cream bags

“I figure you’ve got another 4-6 weeks of being Tomato Staked,” I told him, “if you work really hard to listen to what Mom and I are teaching you. Early on in this process, it seemed to me that you were fighting against me, deliberately refusing to accept the principles I was teaching you. But lately, I’ve seen a change in you, and I’ve heard you repeating the things I taught you to your brothers and sisters. That kind of thing convinces me that you are ready to build up your moral muscles by making good moral choices without Mom and me hovering over you.”

Some time in the next week we’ll probably give him a day off from tomato staking, and see how he does. He is a quick learner, and if I can convince him of its importance, I think he can get up to an age-appropriate moral maturity level in a matter of a few weeks. Kathy and I would greatly appreciate your prayers in this matter.

Tim

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Parenting, Project 366

New Mercies Every Morning

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One of my favorite hymns of all time is Great is Thy Faithfulness. When I was ten or eleven, we lived in Germany, and I used to attend the Sunday evening service at Patrick Henry Village Chapel (between Heidelberg and Schwetzingen). We had a Baptist chaplain and a skilled and cooperative pianist; they used to let the congregation choose hymns and sing for a half-hour or so. Sitting in the front pew (the only place I was allowed to sit, unless sitting with my parents) I would choose either Great is Thy Faithfulness or When the Roll is Called Up, Yonder. If I was particularly bold, I’d choose O Come, All Ye Faithful, which is always fun to sing in summertime.

Shovel Boy #2
In Joshua’s absence, I had to hire a few replacement shovelers.

I’ve always admired God’s faithfulness, and been very appreciative of His merciful and forgiving nature. As we are taught in Lamentations 3:22-23:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Dust Storm Sarah
Who wants to wash the car after we’re done with the dirt?

Today I was thinking about parenting (sometimes it seems as though that is all I think about), and I was reminded of God’s kindness and His mercy toward me. Whenever I turn from my sin, I find Him ready and willing to receive me back again and to press onward in our relationship. However many times I fail Him, He doesn’t seem to become exasperated with me. In fact, He offers me (and anyone else who puts their trust in Him) this guarantee:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
— I John 1:9

Sometimes I get exasperated with my children. It seems to happen when I am trying to teach something, and out of a rebellious spirit or a hard heart, they reject my correction. I get angry, in turn, at their rejection, and find myself less willing to work with the offending child, or able to offer them any grace. This sometimes creates a stumbling block in the life of my son or daughter, and my anger can become an excuse for them to further harden their heart against my teaching. And so the crazy cycle begins … I become harsher in my correction, and they reject my correction more stubbornly, and it escalates until the child is punished and I find myself fuming at their hard-heartedness.

David Gets Tough
Sometimes you have to show the dirt pile who’s boss …

I was challenged today to try to be more like God in the way I parent, by offering fresh chances and restraining my anger when my children are not as quick to repent as I would wish them to be. After all, if God parented the way I do sometimes, I would be much less likely to repent.

Back in the 80′s, there was a Christian pop singer who went by the name of Leslie Phillips. (She later changed her stage name to Sam Phillips, crossed over to record secular music, and had a brief part as an ‘evil slasher slutty girlfriend’ in one of the Die Hard movies, but I’m not going to let that take away from the beauty of this song that she wrote and sang):

Waiting for angry words to sear my soul
Knowing I don’t deserve another chance
Suddenly the kindest words I’ve ever heard
Come flooding through my heart

It’s your kindness that leads us
To repentance Oh Lord
Knowing that You love us
No matter what we do
Makes us want to love You too

No excuse no one to blame
No where to hide
The eyes of God have found my failures
Found my pain
He understands my weaknesses
And knows my shame
But His heart never leaves me

It’s your kindness that leads us
To repentance Oh Lord
Knowing that You love us
No matter what we do
Makes us want to love You too

If You are for us
Who can be against us
You gave us everything
Even Your only Son

Daniel the Barefoot Shoveler
If you can’t use kindness, you can always fall back on hard labor.

The basis for this song (at least part of it) can be found in Romans, 2, in which Paul encourages believers not to pass judgment on others, and to respond favorably to God’s rich kindness and patience:

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance? But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed.

It is interesting to note that although God is kind, tolerant and patient, that the threat of His stored-up wrath remains for those who remain obstinate and unrepentant. But the lesson I take away from this song and those verses is that if I want to be more like God, I need to use kindness a lot more to encourage repentance in my children.

Or maybe they would respond to Nutella?

Tim
Project 366, Day 174

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Musings, Parenting, Rachel

Lessons I Learned Today

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Today I was privileged to learn, or perhaps I should say re-learn, some important life lessons.

1) Friendships require work. They are worth the effort because of the joy and strength and encouragement they bring into your life.

2) Email is NOT the best vehicle for dealing with conflict or struggles in relationships.

3) Prayer is essential, without it I am likely to make rash, head strong decisions. With prayer I am led by the Holy Spirit, covered in His grace, and a godly example to my friends and family.

4) There are two (or three or four) sides to every story. The more informed you are, the better.

5) Being quick to apologize and resolve conflict brings healing and restoration.

6) Mature, godly friends are an unbelievable blessing.

This week Rachel and some of her girlfriends are attending a class on Being a Joyful Girl taught by one of my friends. Each day the girls spend two hours studying what it means to be a godly young lady. A portion of the time is devoted to a beautiful craft and another part to hearing from older, wiser women as they share from their lives.

After class today I was given the opportunity to work on these aforementioned life lessons. In the midst of some conflict, in which I did NOT first seek the Lord in prayer or speak to the people involved in person, I was humbled and impressed by the power of grace, a contrite heart and forgiveness.

How tender of our heavenly Father to use something that Satan meant for evil (stirring up trouble among the girls who are learning each day to be more like Jesus), and turn into a picture of forgiveness, repentance and joy. I am awed by His ability to take a situation that could have festered and caused cracks in long standing friendships, and instead create a deeper bond with hearts tied together closer.

Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:14-15

And so lessons are taught to both parent and child. What will tomorrow bring, I wonder?

Kathy

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Parenting, Sarah

A Break from Parenting

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Before the older kids went to Norway, my parents were already talking about having all five of the kids come to their house for a weekend visit.

“Won’t you be tired of being around kids, after two weeks of traveling with Joshua and Rachel?” I cautioned.

“It’ll be fun,” they assured me. “We like to have time with all our grandchildren.”

So the night they flew back in from Norway, I had the other three kids packed. “You can take ‘em all straight home with you,” I chortled.

naughty girl

Who wouldn’t want this little princess in their home?

Okay, we did decide to let Grandma and Grandpa have a couple of weeks to recuperate. Last night we bundled the children all into my parents’ van and sent them off, dire warnings about obeying their grandparents ringing in their ears.

Kathy came home from a meeting at church before I went to bed, and we sat in the family room, savoring the silence. “Shhhhh!” I snapped, when she accidentally dropped her computer mouse, ruining a perfectly good five-second span of silence.

somebody help this girl

Sarah knows what to do with a free moment of silence.

I am a connoisseur of silences. I remember the deep black, textured silence of ’04, during the power outage, and the bright, blue-green silence of ’01, when everyone went to Fort Clark without me. Then there was the grey, melancholy silence of ’88, before I met Kathy, before my family was even a gleam in the eye, as they say. Silences are pretty rare, when there are five kids around the house, and you learn to attend to them when you get the chance.

This has not been a week with many silences, as my children would attest. “For crying out loud,” they’re probably thinking, “don’t get Dad started on another lecture!” I’m not sure if it is due to our tomato-staking project with Daniel, or because of the grey and rainy weather, but we’ve had many opportunities for parental intervention, correction and rebuke over the past week. I’ve been home for most of the week (I was sick on Monday, and decided to telecommute a few extra days) and so I’ve been present for much more of the bickering and general discontent than I usually witness.

“Kathy, will you just cool it, with all the bickering and discontentment,” I found myself snarling several times.

how she does carry on

And some people say Sarah is the spittin’ image of Kathy. Hmmm.

No, actually, the problem doesn’t seem to be Kathy. It turns out that my children are sinful. Who knew? After all Kathy’s careful reading of pregnancy books, healthy eating and excellent prenatal care, our children were still born with a sin nature! How exasperating! I’m guessing Kathy and I must’ve inherited it from somewhere or other … and passed it on to our dear little kids.

For now, though, the kids are away, and we can relax a little. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for giving us a needed break!
innocent as a dove

All she wanted was some Grandma and Grandpa time.

Hope everyone survives the weekend.
Tim

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